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About Deviant Core Member Evil Wicked Mean and Nasty40/Male/United States Groups :iconfight-night: Fight-Night
 
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Here's a short back story on what's going on for the new kids in class. 
I have been my mother's caregiver for my whole life. Really the last 20 years, but still... anway... in April she passe away. She was more than my mom. SHe was my best friend. We were inseparable. She was the equivalent of most people's sons or daughters. Only I knew my time with mom was not going to go on for a whole lot longerwhile most parents expect their children to grow and live beyond them. So I dedicated myself to making her life as easy and comfortable as I could. She passed away in April. 
Anyway...
Take us to last night. I had a terrible dream. The thing is I normally would welcome and enjoy such a horrific dream. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! I obsess over that. Sure, I know it aint happenin' but I can dream about it.
IN the dream my family and I were safe in North Suburban hospital. We were on one of the upper floors so the walkers couldn't get to us. As it happened mom was sick and in the same room she died in. But she was fairly okay. She was bedridden but alert and okay. I was ging in and out of the building to get supplies and stuff and one of the times I decided I was going to run in and see mom. As I got to the top of the stairs and opened the door onto the floor I saw her room door and it hit me. "Oh.. she's not here anymore. She died." and I began going down the stairs again to go forage for supplies.
Upon returning I notice the door on the main floor was locked up. So it was just a waiting room for the most part. I tried to open the door but couldn't. There was a sign that said to gain entry I had to hit the buzzer. I did and nothing happened. I noticed under a chair was a gun. I know the gun, I wanted to get my niece one for her conceal carry permit. It's an aluminum .22 with a pink anodized finish. Anyway, a woman is shoved out crying and pleading for help. Before I could react and maybe help her she was decapitated by a machete. Feeling bad for the woman and unable to get to her killer to kill him I took her head and was going outside to the parking lot and I begin to talk to the head. When I hold it up it's my mom. Her brain was still active, but she knew she was about to turn into a zombie any minute. "Yeah. I'm going to turn."
So in the parking lo I see my sister and my niece playing with thier young children. I knew her time was short and I knew taking my mom's severed head over would cause a panic andd terror. So I asked mom if she wanted to see and she said "Yes, baby. I'd like to watch this for a little while." She said in such a sad voice. Like she knew that this was it. So I sat down and rested her on a tire and held her up so she could see the babies play. Her grandsons.
All I can translate from the dream is I still carry my loyalty. I was still there for her when nobody else was. I still hung on until the end. So for that I am glad. It was just such a sad ending.
And if dreams tell what kind of people we really art because we can't lie to ourselves what does it all say about what's going on in my noggin?
Why can't I shake this? Mom's been gone for four months. I have no real regrets. I did a good job taking care of her. I made the best calls I could. Why NOW am I being bothered by so much?
I dunno. Anyone have any insight as to why I'm suddenly so tormented?
I haven't slept in so long. I'm so tired. I feel so weak. I'm so tired my stomach is upset. I feel so sickly and now I'm just sad while being sickly.
It's 4 AM and I WANT to sleep. But I can't.  
Longsharpstabbystabbyslice by HotRod-302
Longsharpstabbystabbyslice
Though my weapon of choice are shorter blades good for in close fighting, I do have these swords (Mostly show) I do like me some swords. The one with the wavy blade, third one in, is my oldest with the long bastard sword on the far right end is the second. The one on the very far left would be number three. I have more to add when I get a chance since there is so much empty space. The one on the right that looks like a cane by the bastard sword is actually a sword-cane. A gift from my Icelandic giant friend, Karno. I can make swinging these things around LOOK cool and can possibly decimate most people not too familiar with swordplay. But :iconzerrinth: is the go to guy when it comes to utilizing REAL skill with ANY of my weapons except short knives and daggers. Frankly... give me one of my more comfy daggers and I can take him with a sword or a gun. Downside is... he has actual fucking armor. So I'd have to go for his face. I'm sure his wife would object to that. "GUH! You cut off my second favorite PART! I guess I should go for #1 myself." and she digs into his pants and... pulls out his check book.
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See what pow-pow thinks by HotRod-302
See what pow-pow thinks
Come and join me... come and play... but I might shoot you... in your face... bombs and bullets will do the trick... what we need here is a little bit of panic!
It does make me kind of sad. My collection used to be about quadruple what I have here. Hard times financially have meant we had to sell almost everything off. A few examples did make it into the safe hands of friends who appreciate and care for them. There was a wee bit of infighting about all of that. 
I'm a casual collector of guns. I'm not as serious as most of my friends and I sure am not as good a shot as they are. I need to rectify that. I need to invest in a nice .38 Special cuz I got tons of ammo but no special. So don't worry, I'm no militia member or gang banger. A sharp eye will see most of these weapons are more collectible and kitschy kool and less conceal and carry. I'm good enough with them to be able to defend myself against rabid coffee cans and dangerous pieces of paper intent on giving me paper cuts. STRIKE FAST STRIKE FIRST! 
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Have hate will travel by HotRod-302
Have hate will travel
My portable magic murder bag complete with getaway vehicle! I may not blend in... but it should do a good enough job of blurring in.
Old case sure seems to have a good bit of wear. Ready for any post apocalyptic tragedy from zombies to... to... ZOMBIES! Sure... being turned into a zombie wont be much fun. But everything leading up to it is gonna be a GAS!
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It was a hard day dealing with the loss of my mom, today. I knew it was going to be difficult... but today it was a lot harder than I had thought. 
I had been putting it off for a long time. I have needed to get all of mom's health records for a few weeks so we could figure out exactly when things began to go downhill exactly. I knew I wasn't going to just walk in and ask for the records and that be it. So it was just driving all over hell and gone to find out what I need to get copies of the files. You know... for the lawsuit... so we know who to go after. 
Anyway I started at the physicians office who are willing to get me copies but it will take time. I went to the surgeon A and surgeon B (and we ALL know how I feel about surgeon A. As in... HATE) and actually got somewhere. I went to the hospital where she died and they played ball so that's a go. I also went to the facility where she was staying when she got sick when she died. Also the coroner is getting us his files. 
Anyway, it was at the rehab place where I was hurt. The people there were very kind, sharing caring memories of mom. They remembered her, even after over 4 months. They are doing everything they can to get the papers to me. 
But when they took me to the offices to fill out forms the door was two doors down from the room mom had been staying in. Still vacant but being set up for a second bed. I tried not to look in but I did. 
It was on the way out where I got hit. They helped me with the forms and are getting them on the way and I'm walking out right past the room and I find myself standing in the doorway looking into the room at the bed. I can remember mom sitting there on Easter all dressed up and looking at the window waiting for me to visit and turning to me with that big smile "HIIII SWEETIE!" and I give her a hug. I remember sitting beside that bed thinking about the future. How she was doing so much better, better than she had been in a few years. She was walking more on her own. Her mind was sharper than it had been in years. We had started making plans to sue the fucking shit out of Surgeon B. We were going to watch Walking Dead and Street Outlaws every week and not miss any. We were going to work on getting the BelAir done and on the road and we would go cruise together on Friday nights. Life was going to be good. She was bright eyed and happy and so proud of herself for doing everything right this time. No trying to go home early and bending the rules to get home. 
And then over the course of a couple days... she was gone. One day she was too tired to visit with me and sent me home. Then she was sent to the hospital. There she was too tired to visit with me and sent me home so she could rest. "She'll feel better tomorrow."... then a call she was put on a breathing machine... then a call that we need to come say goodbye. Then there it was. "Goodbye mom" and suddenly a hole opened up inside my chest from decades of taking care of my mom and nothing to fill it. THe plan was that hole was supposed to be filled with happiness and good memories. Now on the brink of going on strike with my job and not having enough money to do anything to build good new memories... fuck I couldn't even afford a $3 sandwich the other day, let alone set any aside. 
So each and every one of you... if your mom is still alive... even if your relationship is rocky... give your mom a hug or give her a call and talk to her and entertain her a little bit. Because someday she isn't going to be there anymore and you'll wish you had ONE MORE conversation. 

deviantID

HotRod-302
Evil Wicked Mean and Nasty
United States
Current Residence: Northglenn Co
Favourite cartoon character: Coop (Megas XLR)
Personal Quote: Seriously, if you're not laughing, kill yourself.
Interests
Here's a short back story on what's going on for the new kids in class. 
I have been my mother's caregiver for my whole life. Really the last 20 years, but still... anway... in April she passe away. She was more than my mom. SHe was my best friend. We were inseparable. She was the equivalent of most people's sons or daughters. Only I knew my time with mom was not going to go on for a whole lot longerwhile most parents expect their children to grow and live beyond them. So I dedicated myself to making her life as easy and comfortable as I could. She passed away in April. 
Anyway...
Take us to last night. I had a terrible dream. The thing is I normally would welcome and enjoy such a horrific dream. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! I obsess over that. Sure, I know it aint happenin' but I can dream about it.
IN the dream my family and I were safe in North Suburban hospital. We were on one of the upper floors so the walkers couldn't get to us. As it happened mom was sick and in the same room she died in. But she was fairly okay. She was bedridden but alert and okay. I was ging in and out of the building to get supplies and stuff and one of the times I decided I was going to run in and see mom. As I got to the top of the stairs and opened the door onto the floor I saw her room door and it hit me. "Oh.. she's not here anymore. She died." and I began going down the stairs again to go forage for supplies.
Upon returning I notice the door on the main floor was locked up. So it was just a waiting room for the most part. I tried to open the door but couldn't. There was a sign that said to gain entry I had to hit the buzzer. I did and nothing happened. I noticed under a chair was a gun. I know the gun, I wanted to get my niece one for her conceal carry permit. It's an aluminum .22 with a pink anodized finish. Anyway, a woman is shoved out crying and pleading for help. Before I could react and maybe help her she was decapitated by a machete. Feeling bad for the woman and unable to get to her killer to kill him I took her head and was going outside to the parking lot and I begin to talk to the head. When I hold it up it's my mom. Her brain was still active, but she knew she was about to turn into a zombie any minute. "Yeah. I'm going to turn."
So in the parking lo I see my sister and my niece playing with thier young children. I knew her time was short and I knew taking my mom's severed head over would cause a panic andd terror. So I asked mom if she wanted to see and she said "Yes, baby. I'd like to watch this for a little while." She said in such a sad voice. Like she knew that this was it. So I sat down and rested her on a tire and held her up so she could see the babies play. Her grandsons.
All I can translate from the dream is I still carry my loyalty. I was still there for her when nobody else was. I still hung on until the end. So for that I am glad. It was just such a sad ending.
And if dreams tell what kind of people we really art because we can't lie to ourselves what does it all say about what's going on in my noggin?
Why can't I shake this? Mom's been gone for four months. I have no real regrets. I did a good job taking care of her. I made the best calls I could. Why NOW am I being bothered by so much?
I dunno. Anyone have any insight as to why I'm suddenly so tormented?
I haven't slept in so long. I'm so tired. I feel so weak. I'm so tired my stomach is upset. I feel so sickly and now I'm just sad while being sickly.
It's 4 AM and I WANT to sleep. But I can't.  

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:icondavidgrieninger:
DavidGrieninger Featured By Owner 58 minutes ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the fave :D Hug :happybounce: La la la la I'm on fire! 
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:iconzenstation:
ZENSTATION Featured By Owner 11 hours ago   Digital Artist
THANKS FOR ADDING MY PICTURE TO YOUR FAVOURITES.
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:iconhotrod-302:
HotRod-302 Featured By Owner 10 hours ago
You're welcome!
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:iconthewolfcreek:
thewolfcreek Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for the fav my friend...
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:iconhotrod-302:
HotRod-302 Featured By Owner 2 days ago
You're welcome!
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sfaber95 Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you for faving the '66 GTO:D (Big Grin) I hope everything straightens out for youSad Hug - Updated 
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:iconhotrod-302:
HotRod-302 Featured By Owner 3 days ago
You're welcome!
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DominikScherrer Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Many thanks for the fav!
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:iconhotrod-302:
HotRod-302 Featured By Owner 3 days ago
You're welcome!
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Hertz18360 Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much for the favs. Much appreciated.
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