Here's a short back story on what's going on for the new kids in class.
I have been my mother's caregiver for my whole life. Really the last 20 years, but still... anway... in April she passe away. She was more than my mom. SHe was my best friend. We were inseparable. She was the equivalent of most people's sons or daughters. Only I knew my time with mom was not going to go on for a whole lot longerwhile most parents expect their children to grow and live beyond them. So I dedicated myself to making her life as easy and comfortable as I could. She passed away in April.
Take us to last night. I had a terrible dream. The thing is I normally would welcome and enjoy such a horrific dream. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! I obsess over that. Sure, I know it aint happenin' but I can dream about it.
IN the dream my family and I were safe in North Suburban hospital. We were on one of the upper floors so the walkers couldn't get to us. As it happened mom was sick and in the same room she died in. But she was fairly okay. She was bedridden but alert and okay. I was ging in and out of the building to get supplies and stuff and one of the times I decided I was going to run in and see mom. As I got to the top of the stairs and opened the door onto the floor I saw her room door and it hit me. "Oh.. she's not here anymore. She died." and I began going down the stairs again to go forage for supplies.
Upon returning I notice the door on the main floor was locked up. So it was just a waiting room for the most part. I tried to open the door but couldn't. There was a sign that said to gain entry I had to hit the buzzer. I did and nothing happened. I noticed under a chair was a gun. I know the gun, I wanted to get my niece one for her conceal carry permit. It's an aluminum .22 with a pink anodized finish. Anyway, a woman is shoved out crying and pleading for help. Before I could react and maybe help her she was decapitated by a machete. Feeling bad for the woman and unable to get to her killer to kill him I took her head and was going outside to the parking lot and I begin to talk to the head. When I hold it up it's my mom. Her brain was still active, but she knew she was about to turn into a zombie any minute. "Yeah. I'm going to turn."
So in the parking lo I see my sister and my niece playing with thier young children. I knew her time was short and I knew taking my mom's severed head over would cause a panic andd terror. So I asked mom if she wanted to see and she said "Yes, baby. I'd like to watch this for a little while." She said in such a sad voice. Like she knew that this was it. So I sat down and rested her on a tire and held her up so she could see the babies play. Her grandsons.
All I can translate from the dream is I still carry my loyalty. I was still there for her when nobody else was. I still hung on until the end. So for that I am glad. It was just such a sad ending.
And if dreams tell what kind of people we really art because we can't lie to ourselves what does it all say about what's going on in my noggin?
Why can't I shake this? Mom's been gone for four months. I have no real regrets. I did a good job taking care of her. I made the best calls I could. Why NOW am I being bothered by so much?
I dunno. Anyone have any insight as to why I'm suddenly so tormented?
I haven't slept in so long. I'm so tired. I feel so weak. I'm so tired my stomach is upset. I feel so sickly and now I'm just sad while being sickly.
It's 4 AM and I WANT to sleep. But I can't.